Who Am I, Anyway

Have you ever set back and wondered, “Who am I?”  I mean, really thought about who you are.  Not what you do, not the “mom/pop” person you are, not the neighbor you are – do you get the idea?  Who you are inside.  Are you a ballerina (something I wanted to  be as a child and each time I see a ballet I see myself up there); could it be an astronaut or maybe a rock star.  It’s kind of like starting with those dreams we dreamed as a child, then those have to be put aside as we grew older and our responsibilities grew out in different ways like the roots of an oak tree spreading out.  We were always somebody inside.  If our dreams came true and we were able to achieve those dreams we dreamed as a child then wonderful!  But, is it what you thought it would be?  Of course not!  We never thought about the work, just the “glorious” part of “being” whatever.  I guess that’s part of maturing.  If we knew what it would take to accomplish those dreams and the work it took to continue then we’d probably not dream at all and that would be a waste because as a child, dreams are wonderful.

Okay, back to the original question – who am I?  To be truthful, I am an older woman and I really don’t know who I am.  It seems I am a “pleaser” and so I am whoever the person in need, needs.  Not that being a “pleaser” is totally a bad thing, mind you.  So, I am many people – a mother, grandmother, wife, friend, and neighbor at this point in time.  Probably would have added more in my younger days like teacher, child, transcriptionist, co-worker to name a few.  But I’ve always wondered “who am I”?  I once told a doctor I felt like I had lost myself.  He said not to worry, we’d find “me”.  I’m still looking.  To tell you the truth, I am hoping and praying I will find my deep inner real self in having this blog.  Oh – don’t misunderstand me, I enjoy being all of those things mentioned above.  I am truly blessed to be able to wear those “hats!”  It may be that I am somewhat a Type A personality and as I look at life I put everything into a cubby hole (like I have one for restaurants, likes, children, husband) – you get the picture.  I’m sorry if it all seems so confusing.  Those are not really good names for some of my cubby holes and I don’t think some really have names, just things/people, etc., that are alike in some way or another go into one.  But I can’t find one for me.   Maybe we can’t pinpoint ourselves down to just one thing.  Maybe that’s it – we are who we are needed to be.  I guess when nobody needs me at the moment when I’m alone, I can be whomever or whatever I want to be.  Like be a gamer and play a video game, or be a cook and cook something fabulous, or be a quilter and make an award winning quilt!  Mmmm – I guess as I have written all f this out and look at it and think of it, I have answered my question.  As we get older, we do become more like our “child selves” and can kind of be what we want to be at this point in our lives – or close to it.

So, like so many things, it makes that round and comes back full circle!  On the “inside” we are basically who we started out as but only, hopefully, grew wiser but on the outside, the sky is the limit.  I can be whatever I want to be or whomever I want to be on any given day (just keeping within the bounds of reality which is the sad part).  So, ask me who am I right now – I am a Christian woman who loves the Lord with all her heart on the inside and is a blogger on the outside that actually wants to spread encouragement to others – sort of like paying it forward but only in words. So, here I gooooooo – out to Neverland to be me!!!!

 Of course I do need my coffee and muffin before I start this big journey! 🙂